Humour

August 26, 2010

As my child grows...

Age 4: Dad knows everything!
Age 8: Dad knows a lot!
Age 12: Dad really doesn't know everything.
Age 14: Dad doesn't know a thing!
Age 16: Dad who?

July 19, 2010

July 18, 2010

June 28, 2010

Phonically

After reading the
the sentence, you are
now aware that the
the human brain
often does not
inform you that the
the word "the" has
been repeated twice
every time

June 19, 2010

Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the World, but how can I be sure?

Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've Never had it confirmed..'

Jennifer Lopez agreed. 'I'm told I'm the sexiest of them all, but Sometimes I wonder.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to approach the wicked Queen's mirror to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world!'

Jennifer Lopez followed and boasted 'it is true, it has been confirmed that I am the Sexiest Woman alive!!'

Brad Pitt walked in, head bent, tears in his eyes and asked, "Who the heck is Darren Cannell"

June 13, 2010

And then Diet Coke showed up...

June 9, 2010

Cell Phones

May 18, 2010

In case you were wondering...

Get Your Cyborg Name

May 15, 2010

Just have to Laugh Final Part

Student give teachers pause with some of their answers to test questions.

May 14, 2010

Just have to Laugh part 3

Student give teachers pause with some of their answers to test questions.

May 13, 2010

Just have to Laugh Part 2

Student give teachers pause with some of their answers to test questions.

May 12, 2010

Survivors of the 30,40,50,60 and 70's

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered
with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes made with Lard, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank FLAV-OR- AID made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?

Because we were always outside playing....that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.. No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. What can kids today do besides push buttons.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?

~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

Sometimes you just have to laugh. Part 1

Student give teachers pause with some of their answers to test questions.

March 28, 2010

HOW TO WRITE GOOD

HOW TO WRITE GOOD

by Frank L. Visco

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

Avoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Profanity sucks.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?HOW TO WRITE GOOD

March 22, 2010

Need a new homepage...how about...

Here are two sites that will give you a different homepage...they don't do much but they made me giggle.

http://welcometointernet.org/

http://www.zombo.com/

How E-Moms Use Facebook & Twitter To Stalk Their Child

I have always thought to myself: "What's the point of having private tweets when you're on Twitter and don't wish to connect. Doesn't that defeat the purpose?"
If your mum is stalking you on Twitter, you don't have a choice. And what's most frightening is when your mum disguises as a good friend of yours; catching you completely off-guard! (And in that case, private tweets wouldn't help much either!)

How E-Moms Use Facebook & Twitter To Stalk Their Child | Ask Aaron Lee

March 19, 2010

eLearning Pedagogy generator

Education is a challenge.

A constant struggle to stay in touch with all that's new.

Want to show what an up to date

modern academic you are?

Try the handy dandy eLearning Pedagogy speak generator

eLearning Pedagogy generator

March 6, 2010

10 Top Understatements

10th - "Scattered showers, my butt!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want what on the ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

1st - "Aw c'mon. Who is going to find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

March 1, 2010

Isn't English great!

Here are some "weird" things in English:

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce .

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

After I read the book I can say it was read.

More weird phrases:

There is no egg in eggplant, ham in hamburger, or apple nor pine in pineapple.

Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

A wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

Isn't English great!

Put a ring on it.

February 25, 2010

Sex education for girls (1960)

February 24, 2010

Stick Man 2

February 21, 2010

Inside Monitor Cleaner

I know you don' t clean your computer screen very often and it is hard to do the inside...so we designed this tool. Free to use.

Monitor Cleaner on the inside

February 15, 2010

THE PERFECT SOLUTION

Here's a solution to all the controversy over airport full-body scanners.
Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this
stuff about racial profiling!!!!!

February 13, 2010

Polar Bear Attack Caught on Camera

This took place in Churchill, Manitoba, Canada.
These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill.
These pictures were taken while people watched and did nothing to stop the attack!
Reports from the local newspaper say that the victim has made a full recovery.

Polar Bear Attack Caught on Camera (Picture) | Bored Panda

February 5, 2010

Welfare department statements.

These are actual sentences taken from letters received by a large city's
Welfare Department in applications for support:
1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
3. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything till he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
11. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life.
12. In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

February 4, 2010

Practical Computer Jokes

Funny ways to mess people around by using their computers, you should preferably wait until the person is out of the room:

1.Take a screenshot of their desktop, save it and then set it to the background. Then right click on an empty space on the desktop and goto Arrange By > Show Desktop Icons. This should be ticked, by clicking on it, this will hide all the icons but it still looks like the icons are there because of the back drop, its great fun watching them trying to double click something. To take a screenshot: Press the "Print Screen" (or "Prt Sc") button on your keyboard, this should be somewhere near the top right-hand corner of the keyboard. Then go into MS Paint (Start > Programs > Accessories > Paint). Click the Edit menu, then select Paste. Then save the file wherever you want it.

2. Move the taskbar to the top or sides of the screen, then shrink it down to its smallest possible size. make sure to then lock the taskbar.

3. Ping off the keys from the keyboard with a pen or a knife or something slim, them rearrange them in a random manner.

4. Put some kind of powder (talcom, baby powder, chalk. whatever) onto the processor and/or the power supply fan. when they start up their computer clouds of smoke will start to rise

5.Put some tape over the floppy drive button, only works for those real simple people though.

6. Replace their Windows start-up sound with a recording that plays 15 minutes of silence, then plays very quiet random sounds every few minutes after that. It will drive them crazy working out where/why the sounds are coming from.

January 28, 2010

WISDOM FROM MILITARY MANUALS

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal-
________________________________________
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - US.Air Force Manual -
________________________________________
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur -
________________________________________
'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' - Infantry Sgt.-
________________________________________
'Tracers work both ways.' - Army Ordnance Manual-
________________________________________
'Five second fuses last about three seconds.' -Infantry Journal -
________________________________________
The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser (mobile fuel tank on the runway); Runway behind you; and Air above you. -Basic Flight Training Manual-
________________________________________
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.' - Naval Ops Manual -
________________________________________
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Infantry Recruit-
________________________________________
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' -Infantry Journal-
________________________________________
'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.' - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
________________________________________
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' -Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-
________________________________________
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.' -Unknown Author-
________________________________________
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-
________________________________________
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.' -Multi-Engine Training Manual-
________________________________________
'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.' -Unknown Author-
________________________________________
'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.' If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.' -Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian CF104 Pilot-
________________________________________
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.' -Sign over Control Tower Door-
________________________________________
'Never trade luck for skill.' -Author Unknown-
________________________________________
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!' -Authors Unknown-
________________________________________
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.' -Basic Flight Training Manual-
________________________________________
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we have never left one up there!' - Unknown Author -
________________________________________
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.' - Emergency Checklist-
________________________________________
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -
________________________________________
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' -Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-
________________________________________
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.' - Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk-
________________________________________
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
________________________________________

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?' The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

January 24, 2010

Cyber school passwords

A student at the cyber school entered their password ...

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyOttawa

When asked why he had such a long password: he replied

''Bejazus! are ya stupid? Your website said password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.

He may not do well in cyber school.

December 18, 2009

Neatest unsubscribe process

December 4, 2009

Comment about cyber school. (was he kidding)

i liek cyber skewl very much!!11!1!one!!1 it iz sew kewl that i canot beleeve that it iz reel!1 u guyz r so0o0o kool. thank u so0 very much!1!!eleven1!!11.i luv skool, it is sew very importent in my life, i want to werk at mcdonelds so0o bad when im older, then i kan giv mi kids fewd and they can look up two me becuz i will be so0o0o0o0o good at making burgerz :)

November 26, 2009

Casual Friday for the Telecommuter.

Don't know who made this, I would like to give credit.

November 25, 2009

Living Will

Last night my parents sat me down to have a deep discussion.
They said that they never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

So I got up, unplugged their Computer, and threw out their wine.

I thought it was funny.

November 23, 2009

Mt Rushmore Canadian side.

November 19, 2009

Life after Death by Powerpoint

November 16, 2009

Mindset list for the class of 2013

If the entering college class of 2013 had been more alert back in 1991 when most of them were born, they would now be experiencing a severe case of déjà vu. The headlines that year railed about government interventions, bailouts, bad loans, unemployment and greater regulation of the finance industry. The Tonight Show changed hosts for the first time in decades, and the nation asked "was Iraq worth a war?"

Mindset list for the class of 2013

November 2, 2009

1-click Award

This made me laugh.

1-click Award by 株式会社リクルートメディアコミュニケーションズ

October 26, 2009

He Finally Did It

Is a Computer Male or Female?

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer'
should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the Feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it!

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model!

The women won!!

October 20, 2009

H1N1 Paranoia ...Tensions Rise

October 5, 2009

I OZed myself...sounds dirty but it is not.

September 18, 2009

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

You have to try this please,
it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!

It is from an orthopaedic surgeon.............
This will confuse your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It is pre-programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

September 10, 2009

Spray away cyber students.

Well, school has started for another year and I walked into the brick and mortar high school next to our cyber school. Wow there is a lot of students in the halls and I would like to thank AXE for their very success advertising campaign that has worked wonders on every high school age boy. It is wild the bottles and bottles of AXE that these boys have been using in an attempt to produce the results that they see on the ads. It would be excellent if AXE could explain how using more is not better for anyone other than their bottom line.
Anyways this long introduction is just to explain how some building have posted a sign stating the need to limit the amount of heavy perfumes one wears when entering. I would like to put this down as another reason why cyber school are great, feel free to wear as much perfume or AXE as you want when doing your online course. We here at the cyber school do not have any limitation on the amount you wear.

Reason 1: Cyber School is a good place for ugly people (April 14 2005)
Reason 2: Cyber School students spray away... another good reason for taking cyber school.

Feel free to suggest others.

September 8, 2009

Who is your role model?

) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3

4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)

5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

6) Add the digits together

Now Scroll down
...............

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Charles Barkley
4. Jesus Christ
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Ronald Regan
8. Babe Ruth
9. TADO author
10. John F . Kennedy

September 4, 2009

Texting hurting children?

"Baroness Greenfield, the neuroscientist, is worried that sending text messages may cause young people to have shorter attention spans. If she's right, of course, none of those young people will be aware of this, because she expressed her views in a newspaper article of several hundred words, some of them long, all of them spelled correctly, and none of them using digits as substitutes for whole syllables. All terribly old-fashioned and out-of-d8. So
they won't have read it."

--Michael Deacon, columnist, The Daily Telegraph, 2009

September 2, 2009

School answering machine message

Don't all teachers around the world wish...

School12.mp3

August 12, 2009

10 Gadgets That Transform Your Bathroom Into a Home Office

With my IBS I am so into this...

10 Gadgets That Transform Your Bathroom Into a Home Office - tgif - Gizmodo

June 29, 2009

Dear Mum ... Thank you

A little laughter for all the Mums out there
My Mother Taught Me About...

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going shopping with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me HUMOUR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"**
(** - this is usually said if you leave a door open)

11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And last but not least...
12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"

June 17, 2009

A little slice of heaven

I don't care what the doctor says this would be so good for me.

June 10, 2009

This is the way I feel most thursdays.

Cyber School Offices

This is kind of an inside joke but anyways, these new offices will be provided to all cyber school teachers. Feel free to drop by and pick yours up.

Rules for Teachers 1872

1.) Teachers each day will fill lamps, clean chimneys.

2.) Each teacher will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of coal for the day's session.

3.) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to the individual taste of the pupils.

4.) Men teachers may take one evening each week for courting purposes, or two evenings a week if they go to church regularly.

5.) After ten hours in school, the teachers may spend the remaining time reading the Bible or other good books.

6.) Women teachers who marry or engage in unseemly conduct will be dismissed.

7.) Every teacher should lay aside from each pay a goodly sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years so that he will not become a burden on society.

8.) Any teacher who smokes, uses liquor in any form, frequents pool or public halls, or gets shaved in a barber shop will give good reason to suspect his worth, intention, integrity and honesty.

9.) The teacher who performs his labor faithfully and without fault for five years will be given an increase of twenty-five cents per week in his pay, providing the Board of Education approves.

May 12, 2009

Following the plans

Some of these pictures made me laugh.

Underforty: Contractor awards, for doing what was in the plans even if it didn't make any sense.

May 7, 2009

Dealing with stupid people on the interent.

These are not my steps...it was on the web.

Its a simple 3 step process:

1. Ignore at first, hoping they go away and figure it out for themselves.

2. Engage, show them the who what when where why, enough to let them make intelligent choices.

3. Insult, be gentle but firm (proportional to their stupidity), showing them the error of their ways and why you are insulting. Hopefully they will take the hint and not bother you again.

...but there is a fourth protocol here if all else fails:

4. Take off and nuke em from orbit, its the only way to be sure!

April 30, 2009

Double Vision: Parsing Images That Trick Our Brain

Very cool illusion

Double Vision: Parsing Images That Trick Our Brain

April 28, 2009

Comments made in the year 1955!

That was 54 years ago!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

April 27, 2009

Medical terms explained

Artery......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium........................ What doctors do when patients die
Benign........................ What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section........ A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.......................... A sheep dog
Coma........................... A punctuation mark
Dilate......................... To live long
Enema..........................Not a friend
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula......................... A small lie
Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid......................... A higher offer
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates
Node........................... I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis................. ....... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............ A letter carrier
Recovery Room.......... Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman emperor
Tablet......................... A small table
Terminal Illness............ Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................ One plus one more
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out

April 26, 2009

Farmer in the DELL

My moto for busy days...

Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

April 21, 2009

Actual Analogies and Metaphors- High School Style

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
14. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
18. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
22. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

25 Signs That Computers and the Internet Rule Your Life

Do you consider the Internet a basic utility? Do you have friends who know you better by your username than your real name? If somebody told you to "google it," would you know what he wants you to do? Does your computer rule your life? Here are 25 signs that it does.

1.) You can't remember the last time you wrote an entire paragraph using a pen and paper.
2.)You consider Internet a basic utility.
3.) Between your Internet and your TV, you would rather lose your TV.
4.) Between your Internet and your phoneline, you would rather lose your phoneline.
5.) The Internet IS your phoneline.
6.) You carry a flash drive in your purse or pocket.
7.) You carry a laptop with you wherever you go-or you wish you could.
8.) You have a callous on your right wrist, where you rest your hand when you use your mouse.
9.) Your "diary" is not protected with a lock and key, but with a username and password - and it is open to be read by anybody in the world.
10.) You've joined an online forum and regularly post messages on it.
11.) You are - or have been - a member of a Yahoo group.
12.) You've watched 1,500 orange-clad prisoners dancing "Thriller" on YouTube.
13.) You know the meaning of the word "google" - and if you don't, you simply Google it.
14.) When you hear the word "spam," you don't think of food.
15.) You've bought and sold things on eBay.
16.) You've had an online love affair.
17.) Half your friends only know you by your username.
18.) The other half know your real name AND your username.
19.) You've mastered computing the time in several different time zones because of all those online meetings you schedule with your Internet friends.
20.) You no longer buy greeting cards; you get them free online and send them through email.
21.) You no longer buy newspapers; your morning news is regularly sent to your inbox.
22.) You no longer buy calendars; you use the one in your email reader or taskbar.
23.) If your wall clock suddenly disappeared, you wouldn't miss it very much either.
24.) You don't keep pictures of your kids in your wallet, but you set them as your wallpaper and screen saver.
25.) You need a computer to view your children's photos.
Disclaimer: This list is for entertainment purposes only. If you want a real assessment on whether or not you are addicted to the Internet, please go to netaddiction.com

March 30, 2009

It is 12:41 on sunday and I finally did it...

March 16, 2009

Use the right word...

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain.. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it
turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief.

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

February 24, 2009

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

February 6, 2009

Smile of the day

These classifieds actually ran in newspapers - a smile for your day...

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8-years old. Hateful little dog. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

January 12, 2009

Made me laugh.

December 22, 2008

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

December 18, 2008

The Global facts

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading an elearning blog...

You hang in there sunshine!

December 5, 2008

Office Elves.

We sure can dance.

Our office was elfed

November 26, 2008

Just another day at the cyber school.

Wednesdays at the Saskatoon Catholic Cyber School tend to be a little bit more crazy than other days.

October 21, 2008

Registrar Tech Question 12

My registrar's answer the phones at the cyber school and this will be a series of questions that they deal with ... it explains their mood somedays.

Registrar: 'Okay Colin, let's press the 'control' and 'escape' keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the 'Program Manager.'
Student: I don't have a 'P'.
Registrar: On your keyboard, Colin.
Student What do you mean?
Registrar: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Student: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

October 20, 2008

When you think your Day is Bad ... Part 20 (Final)

It might not fly again...

Registrar Tech Question 11

My registrar's answer the phones at the cyber school and this will be a series of questions that they deal with ... it explains their mood somedays.

A student called the Registrar with a problem with her printer.
Registrar: Are you running it under windows?
Student: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. My brother in his room has his computer under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

October 19, 2008

When you think your Day is Bad ... Part 19

Another excellent parking spot.

Registrar Tech Question 10

My registrar's answer the phones at the cyber school and this will be a series of questions that they deal with ... it explains their mood somedays.

Registrar: How may I help you?
Student: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Registrar: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Student: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

October 18, 2008

When you think your Day is Bad ... Part 18

Everyone should own a boat.

Registrar Tech Question 9

My registrar's answer the phones at the cyber school and this will be a series of questions that they deal with ... it explains their mood somedays.

Registrar: What anti-virus program do you use?
Student: Netscape.
Registrar: That's not an anti-virus program.
Student: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

October 17, 2008

Children always welcome at SCCS

We love having people drop by Cyber School as long as they follow a few simple rules.

When you think your Day is Bad ... Part 17

Missing snow plow found... another poor parking job.

October 16, 2008

When you think your Day is Bad ... Part 16

Bad day to be towing on the ice road.

October 15, 2008

When you think your Day is Bad ... Part 15

Bad parking spot

October 14, 2008

When you think your Day is Bad ... Part 14

Snow is on the way...

Winter is on the way but Canadian's welcome it.

This week we are changing our work stations...

Registrar Tech Question 8

My registrar's answer the phones at the cyber school and this will be a series of questions that they deal with ... it explains their mood somedays.

Student: I can't get on the Internet.
Registrar: Are you sure you used the right password?
Student: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Registrar: Can you tell me what the password was?
Student: Five stars.

October 13, 2008

When you think your Day is Bad ... Part 13

Registrar Tech Question 6

My registrar's answer the phones at the cyber school and this will be a series of questions that they deal with ... it explains their mood somedays.

Student: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Registrar: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Student: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Registrar: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Student: OK!
Registrar: Did the keyboard come with you?
Student: Yes.
Registrar: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Student: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

October 12, 2008

When you think your Day is Bad ... Part 12

Registrar Tech Question 6

My registrar's answer the phones at the cyber school and this will be a series of questions that they deal with ... it explains their mood somedays.

Student: I have problems printing in red...
Registrar: Do you have a colour printer?
Student: Aaaah....... ......... ...thank you.

October 11, 2008

When you think your Day is Bad ... Part 11

Bad day for the deer or the driver?

October 10, 2008

When you think your Day is Bad ... Part 10

October 9, 2008

When you think your day is bad ... Part 10

Today we almost filled our harddrive...too many courses...too many files...but we have not been run over.

Take a minute and watch this video

This is one cute little bear...very calming video.

October 7, 2008

Registrar Tech Question 5

My registrar's answer the phones at the cyber school and this will be a series of questions that they deal with ... it explains their mood somedays.

Student: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

When you think your day is bad ... Part 9

I love dogs but this one would be for sale.

October 6, 2008

My parenting skills.

This made me laugh.

Registrar Tech Question 4

My registrar's answer the phones at the cyber school and this will be a series of questions that they deal with ... it explains their mood somedays.

Registrar: Good day. How may I help you?
Male student: Hello... I can't print.
Registrar: Would you click on 'start' for me and.
Student: Listen lady; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

When you think your day is bad ...Part 8

Here is why sometimes it is not a good idea to lead.

October 3, 2008

Registrar tech Question 3

My registrar's answer the phones at the cyber school and this will be a series of questions that they deal with ... it explains their mood somedays.

Registrar: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Student: Your left or my left?

When you think your day is bad ...Part 7

October 2, 2008

Registrar tech Question 2

My registrar's answer the phones at the cyber school and this will be a series of questions that they deal with ... it explains their mood somedays.

Student: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Registrar: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Student: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Registrar: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Student: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....

When you think your day is bad ...Part 6

October 1, 2008

Registrar tech ... question one

My registrar's answer the phones at the cyber school and this will be a series of questions that they deal with ... it explains their mood somedays.

Registrar: What kind of computer do you have?

Student: A white one...

When you think your day is bad ...Part 5

September 30, 2008

When you think your day is bad ... Part 4

September 29, 2008

First Pie Chart I understand...

When you think your Day is Bad ... Part 3

September 28, 2008

When you think your day is bad ... Part 2

September 27, 2008

When you think your day is bad... Part 1

September 17, 2008

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning

... Uphill...

BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
There was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you
Don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! ...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and messed it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
Screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting
Harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only m-net And there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rats!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that! If we wanted Popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Activity for the day.

May 20, 2008

They say Elephants never forget

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid butt against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

New Survivor Show

Subject: New Survivor Show... (Teachers note:)

Next Season on Survivor
Have you heard about the next planned 'Survivor' show?
Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped into an elementary school classroom for 1 school year. The business people will be provided with a copy of their school district's curriculum and a class of 28 - 32 students.
Each class will have a minimum of five learning-disabled children, three with A.D.D., one gifted child, and two who speak limited English. Three students will be labeled with severe behavior problems.
All business people must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in advance with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organize, or create their materials accordingly. They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, make bulletin boards, compute grades, complete report cards, document benchmarks, communicate with parents, and arrange parent conferences.
They must also stand in the doorway between class changes to monitor the hallways. In addition, they will complete fire drills, tornado drills, and [Code Red] drills for shooting attacks each month.
They must attend workshops, faculty meetings, and attend curriculum development meetings. They must also tutor students who are behind and strive to get the 2 non-English speaking children proficient enough to take all of the state tests.
If the business person is sick or having a bad day, he/she must not let it show. Each day they must incorporate reading, writing math, science, and social studies into the program and must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment to motivate students at all times.
If all students do not wish to cooperate, work, or learn, the teacher will be held responsible. The business people will only have access to the public golf course on the weekends, but with their new salary, they may not be able to afford it.
There will be no access to vendors who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to thirty minutes, which is not counted as part of their workday. The business people will be permitted to use a student restroom, as long as another survival candidate can supervise their class.
If the copier is operable, they may make copies of necessary materials before or after school. However, they cannot surpass their monthly limit of copies. The business people must continually advance their education, at their expense, and on their own time.
The winner of this season of 'Survivor' will be allowed to return to his/her job.

Pass this to your friends who think teaching is easy and to the ones that know it is hard.

May 8, 2008

Why we need education...

I see my son in this picture.

May 6, 2008

And so the day begins

The day started well, a new challenge...and....

April 29, 2008

And the Day Just Got Worst... Part 5

Have you ever had this kind of day, everything is going well and..

April 28, 2008

THE SPOILED Under-30 crowd!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways

yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way I was going to lay
a bunch of hooey like that on kids about how hard I had it
and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you
don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The
Internet . If we wanted to know something,
we had to go to the library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and
put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and spend time to look and it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the
beginning and fouled it all up!
We didn't have fancy Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!
It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer,
a collections agent, you just didn't know!!!
You had to pick it up and take your chances!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600!
With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square!
You actually had to use your imagination!!
And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win.
The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height!
If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see,
tough nails!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
was only like 15 channels
and there was no on screen menu and no remote control!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
You were totalled when it came to channel surfing!
You had to get off your back end and walk over to the TV to change the
channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?!
We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire .. imagine that!
If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing
and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids today have got it too easy.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

And the day just got worst... Part 4

Have you ever had this kind of day, everything is going well and..

April 25, 2008

And the day just got worst... Part 3

Have you ever had this kind of day, everything is going well and...

April 24, 2008

And the day just got worst... Part 2

Have you ever had this kind of day, everything is going well and...

A good indication that we have had enough winter

April 23, 2008

And the day just got worst...

Have you ever had this kind of day, everything is going well and...

April 14, 2008

And for a monday...I feel old.

The Grandfather replied, 'Well , let me think a minute, I was born before:

television

penicillin

polio shots

frozen foods

Xerox

contact lenses

Frisbees and

the pill

There were no:

'credit cards

'laser beams or

ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

pantyhose

air conditioners

dishwashers

clothes dryers

and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . .and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'.
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'

We were before computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?
Too bad , because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

'grass' was mowed,

'coke' was a cold drink,

'pot' was something your mother cooked in and

'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.

'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office,

' chip' meant a piece of wood,

'hardware' was found in a hardware store and
'software' wasn't even a word.

No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?????

This man would be only 59 years old

March 13, 2008

It is all in the way you look at it.

I am thankful:

For the wife,
Who says it's hot dogs tonight, because she is home with me and not out with someone else
For the husband
Who is on the sofa being a couch potato, because he is home with me and not out at the bars.
For the Teenager
Who is complaining about doing dishes because it means she is at home, not on the streets.
For the taxes I pay
Because it means I am employed.
For the mess to clean after a party
because it means I have been surrounded by friends
For the clothes that fit a little too snug
Because it means I have enough to eat.
For my shadow that watches me work.
Because it means I am out in the sunshine
For a lawn that needs mowing,
Windows that need cleaning,
and gutters that need fixing
Because it means I have a home.
For all the complaining I hear about the government.
Because it means we have freedom of speech.
For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot.
Because it means I am capable of walking and I have been blessed with transportation.
For my huge heating bill.
Because it means I am warm.
For the Lady behind me in church who sings off key.
Because it means I can hear.
For the pile of laundry and ironing.
Because it means I have clothes to wear.
For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day.
Because it means I have been capable of working hard.
For the Alarm that goes off in the early morning hours.
Because it means I am alive.
For all the annoy email and technology.
Because it has given me a job that I have never not wanted to do.

March 12, 2008

Has the world really changed since the 30s?

March 10, 2008

Women have all the best perscription drugs

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to heck for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

February 20, 2008

Ever had one of these days

February 6, 2008

“BIRDS AND BEES” DISCUSSION IN NEW GENERATION LINGO

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

"You got Male!"

February 4, 2008

My next haircut....for sure

January 29, 2008

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace.
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge.
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.

December 14, 2007

A very good tip.

December 3, 2007

The new SCCS incentive plan.

Simple is always best..works for me.

November 28, 2007

Simple

I have posted this image before but I like the added saying...

No need for the basement.

At SCCS we have a work out center in the basement. I guess we did not need to go through all the work to set that up.

November 27, 2007

A christmas SCCS staff.

Thanks to Reg. for this beauty.

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9596538406

A good description of my job.

November 26, 2007

It is all in how you look at things.

My SCCS Registrar issue...

November 23, 2007

Copying the Easy Way

The real reason we got rid of the photocopy machine at the cyber school.

HTML Geek Warning Sign

With my staff working on their CIFs this will ring true with some of them.

Learn to spot the warning signs in time

I done a few of these in my career.

Meeting...I think I will call one.

November 22, 2007

Procrastination

This made me giggle.

I wish...

I wish it was not so busy so we could have this once in a while in the cyber school.

November 21, 2007

Confidence good...Overconfidence bad.

SCCS is built on caffeine.

Joke of the Year

Two cyber teachers were sitting together,

Quietly.

November 20, 2007

Elephants never forget...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

November 15, 2007

A new bulletin for the staff at cyber school.

For my staff...

Cyber School Teamwork

The picture says it all.

November 14, 2007

You are unique...

So, is this what everyone means when they say I am unique????

November 13, 2007

Cyber Teacher?

November 7, 2007

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came
about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for
their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

October 30, 2007

The Fish Philosophy

I like this...

Catch the energy
Release the potential.

fish

October 22, 2007

This Toy has been recalled

This slide has been recalled due to lead paint. Too bad because it was one of the best sellers.

October 15, 2007

This is a monday cartoon

October 11, 2007

What Jeff Foxworthy (American comedian) has to say about Saskatchewan:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Saskatchewan .
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Saskatchewan .
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Saskatchewan.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Saskatchewan ..
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Prince Albert for the weekend, you live in Saskatchewan .
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Saskatchewan.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Saskatchewan
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'air conditioning' and back again in the same day, you live in Saskatchewan .
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Saskatchewan.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in Saskatchewan ..
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Saskatchewan .
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Saskatchewan
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Saskatchewan .
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Saskatchewan ..
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Saskatchewan ..
If you find 10 degrees Fahrenheit 'a little chilly', you live in Saskatchewan .
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Saskatchewan friends, you live in Saskatchewan ..

September 28, 2007

Welcome the Saskatchewan farmer

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4-wheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get it the heck out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine-years-old. Yeah, we saw Bambi die. We got over it.
4. Any references to "grain fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women.
5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
8. Yeah, we have sweetened ice tea. It comes sweetened, you don't need a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
9. You bring Coke into my house you should bring rye along, and ice.
10. So you have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million-dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
11. Let's get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town, but we stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
13. Yeah, we eat trout, northern pike, walleye and perch, too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.
14. They are pigs and cows. That's what they smell like. Get over it.
Don't like it? Highways #1 and #16 go two ways - get on one of them. The more people that leave, the better the hunting & fishing.
15. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
16. Yeah, we have golf courses, more per person than anywhere else on earth. Don't hit into the water hazards. It spooks the fish. And stay out of the woods, that spooks the deer.

And welcome to Saskatchewan.

September 24, 2007

Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws

MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are yourself in the hands of 12 who were not smart enough to get out of jury duty.

August 17, 2007

What did you do this summer?

Here is a few images of what I did this summer, to which my staff members sent in their summer images. Drop me a comment lets see what you did...

August 15, 2007

If only...

If only wired would do an article on e-learning.

Our most dedicated Cyber Student

Some students just love the cyber school toooooo much...

July 25, 2007

God and Golf

Pastor Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to give the sermon for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Pastor Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Pastor Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

July 23, 2007

If zis mad you smil...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

June 7, 2007

Gas prices continue to rise

This made me giggle.

June 5, 2007

When staff members are away...

Don't ever leave your pod station empty for too long because you will never know what might happen to it.

June 4, 2007

When staff members are away...

Don't ever leave your pod station empty for too long because you will never know what might happen to it.

June 1, 2007

When Staff Members Are Away Part Three

Don't ever leave your pod station empty for too long because you will never know what might happen to it.

May 31, 2007

When Staff Members Are Away Part Two

Don't ever leave your pod station empty for too long because you will never know what might happen to it.

May 30, 2007

When staff members are away.

Don't ever leave your pod station empty for too long because you will never know what might happen to it.

50 Fun Things for Professors Part Five

1. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".
2. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
3. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
4. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
5. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
6. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
7. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
8. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
9. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".
10. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

May 29, 2007

50 Fun Things For Professors Part Four

1. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
2. Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
3. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
4. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
5. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
6. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
7. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
8. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
9. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
10. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.

May 28, 2007

50 Fun Things for Professors Part Three

1. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
2. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
3. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
4. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
5. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
6. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
7. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
8. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
9. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
10. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".

May 25, 2007

What my father does all day...

What do retired people do all day?
I frequently ask my retired father what he does to make his days interesting.

To which he responsed...
The other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a damn break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him another bad name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20
minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now
that I'm retired.......It's important at my age......

That's my dad.

50 Fun Things For Professors Part Three

May 24, 2007

50 Fun Things for Professors Part two

1. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
2. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
3. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
4. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in different language. Ignore all questions.
5. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to any James Brown's song.
6. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering students would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
7. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
8. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
9. Address students as "worm".
10. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

May 23, 2007

50 Fun Things For Professors to Do On The First Day of Class

Part One

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

May 16, 2007

New Hands Free Cel Phone

I'm gonna get me one of these new fangled phone right away!

May 14, 2007

Things to do in the cyber school pod

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "NO!!! They've found me!" and bolt.

Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

When your computer is turned off, complain to the others in the pod that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

May 4, 2007

Just married

This made me giggle.

May 3, 2007

Nerd T-shirt sayings

1. "If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer......oh wait he does."
2.Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
3. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
4. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
6. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
7.Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression
8. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
9. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
10. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
11. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
12. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
13. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
14. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)?
15. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
16. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
17. All computers wait at the same speed.
18. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
19. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
20. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
21. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
22. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
23. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...

May 2, 2007

Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Vista problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it

Q. How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q. What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I create a New Document window?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

April 30, 2007

Witty Words of Wisdom:

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.

If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never eat yellow snow.

Never pet a burning dog.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die.' - Alistair J.R. Young

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.

Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school -- you'll be working for them in the future.

April 27, 2007

Daily Affirmations

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of
course, I want to stay employed.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner
Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of
suspicion and paranoia.

Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than "I told you so."

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and
complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me
in many ways to keep me quiet.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not
nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do
nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice
things.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find
someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying
about the future?

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I
can laugh at.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn
from them.

April 26, 2007

Mother said:

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money you father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?'"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on the wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered Christopher, you could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, How many times have I told you--quit playing baseball in the house! that's the third window you've broken this week!"

MICHAELANGELO'S MOTHER: " Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right Napoleon. If you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple!"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset the you lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you!"

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance will be!"

GOLDILOCK'S MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family. You know anything about this Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get of your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something....?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the past 3 days!"

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths!"

And finally...

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, dear. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

April 25, 2007

Tech Support Stories

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer. On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.

And another user was all confused about why the cursor always'moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?"

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters. Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

April 24, 2007

Computer Guys Have a Sense of Humor Too...

Young Jane, the editor of a news publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tim, the computer guy, over to her desk.

Tim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, Jane called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Jane's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??"

He gave her a grin... ;-) ... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," replied Jane.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T Error

April 23, 2007

Ten things that I know about women

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

How to Please Your I.T. Department

When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

April 20, 2007

Things I wish I'd known before I went out in the real world

A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape.

When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

If he or she says that you are too good for him -- believe it.

I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

Living well really is the best revenge.

Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.

Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed pan and hold your hand.

And finally... Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

April 19, 2007

Universal Laws

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkeness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

April 18, 2007

12 Step Internet Addiction recovery system

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

I thought this was funny

Every computer keyboard should come one of these.

April 17, 2007

Things to Remember

Love is grand; divorce is at least a hundred grand.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Remember: amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours is.

I am having an out of money experience.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

If Women Ran The World

If my wife ran the world as well as my home...

April 16, 2007

Kid's Instructions on Life

"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
- Rocky, age 9

"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
- Stephanie, age 8

"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."
- Lamar, age 10

"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."
- Carrol, age 9

"Never bug a pregnant mom."
- Nicholas, age 11

"Don't ever be too full for dessert."
- Kelly, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, age 14

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
- Joel, age 12

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
- Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat."
- Laura, age 13

"Never spit when on a roller coaster."
- Scott, age 11

"Never do pranks at a police station."
- Sam, age 10

"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
- Rob, age 10

"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
- Hank, age 12

"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
- Molly, age 11

"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
- Chelsey, age 7

"Stay away from prunes."
- Randy, age 9

"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
- Phillip, age 13

"Forget the cake, go for the icing."
- Cynthia, age 8

"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house."
- Joanne, age 11

"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
- Matthew, age 12

Mottos to Live by

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.

Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

Guests who kill talk show hosts .. On the last Geraldo.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists they don't expect it back.

2.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Use SWAG when making you more important decisions - (Scientific Wild-Ass Guess)

If women ran the world

If my wife ran the world as well as my home...

April 3, 2007

If women ran the world

If my wife ran the world as well as my home...

April 2, 2007

If women ran the world

If my wife ran the world as well as my home...

March 30, 2007

If women ran the world

If my wife ran the world as well as my home...

March 29, 2007

If women ran the world

If my wife ran the world as well as my home...

March 28, 2007

Fixed the harddrive but good

So, I had this harddrive that was not working very well. The tool I used to try and fix it was a high powered rifle. It did not fix it, but I do feel better.

Stupid harddrive, now I need to fix that stupid laptop of mine...

March 21, 2007

Through Children's Eyes

Sometimes children say it the best...Or so my three year says. Here is a comment made by a child, don't you love the way they think.

March 20, 2007

Excuses for NOT laughing

Things are absolutely perfect the way they are.
Is this one of those right-brain approaches?
It is not in our code of ethics.
I’ll bring it to my committee for discussion
Can’t we just buy a laugh track?
No one has ever seen my teeth.
If I start laughing, I won’t be able to stop
I’m too old to start laughing now.
You don’t understand, I have a bad hip.
I’d like to read more about it first.
Maybe if I were paid more, I might reconsider.
My parents never taught me how.
I read that laughter damages brain cells.
I was weaned on a pickle.

Through Children's Eyes

Sometimes children say it the best...Or so my three year says. Here is a comment made by a child, don't you love the way they think.

March 16, 2007

Through Children's Eyes

Sometimes children say it the best...Or so my three year says. Here is a comment made by a child, don't you love the way they think.

March 15, 2007

Through Children's Eyes

Sometimes children say it the best...Or so my three year says. Here is a comment made by a child, don't you love the way they think.

March 14, 2007

Laughter Session

1. Clapping in a Rhythm 1-2,
1-2-3 along with chanting “Ho-ho-ha-ha-ha”
2. Deep breathing: inhale through the nose ; prolonged exhalation (3 times)
3. Shoulder, neck and stretching exercises ( 5 times each)
4. Hearty laughter with hands high in the air.
5. Greeting laughter
6. Appreciation laughter
7. One meter laughter (4 times)
8. Milk shake laughter(4 times)
9. Silent laughter (without sound)
10. Humming laughter (with mouth closed)
11. Swinging laughter
12. Lion laughter
13. Cell phone laughter
14. Argument laughter
15. Forgiveness/apology laughter
16. Gradient laughter
17. Heart to heart laughter
18. Closing chant

Through Children's Eyes

Sometimes children say it the best...Or so my three year says. Here is a comment made by a child, don't you love the way they think.

March 13, 2007

Through Children's Eyes

Sometimes children say it the best...Or so my three year says. Here is a comment made by a child, don't you love the way they think.

March 12, 2007

Through Children's Eyes

Sometimes children say it the best...Or so my three year says. Here is a comment made by a child, don't you love the way they think.

March 9, 2007

Through Children's Eyes

Sometimes children say it the best...Or so my three year says. Here is a comment made by a child, don't you love the way they think.

March 6, 2007

Through Children's Eyes

Sometimes children say it the best...Or so my three year says. Here is a comment made by a child, don't you love the way they think.

March 5, 2007

Through Children's Eyes

Sometimes children say it the best...Or so my three year says. Here is a comment made by a child, don't you love the way they think.

March 2, 2007

Through Children's Eyes

Sometimes children say it the best...Or so my three year says. Here is a comment made by a child, don't you love the way they think.

March 1, 2007

Through Children's Eyes

Sometimes children say it the best...Or so my three year says. Here is a comment made by a child, don't you love the way they think.

February 28, 2007

Through Children's Eyes

Sometimes children say it the best...Or so my three year says. Here is a comment made by a child, don't you love the way they think.

February 27, 2007

I am sure I would be worth 2 bottles at least.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade."

Through Children's Eyes

Sometimes children say it the best...Or so my three year says. Here is a comment made by a child, don't you love the way they think.

February 21, 2007

Through Children's Eyes

Sometimes children say it the best...Or so my three year says. Here is a comment made by a child, don't you love the way they think.

February 20, 2007

Through Children's Eyes

Sometimes children say it the best...Or so my three year says. Here is a comment made by a child, don't you love the way they think.

February 9, 2007

Error Messages That I Can Understand

If one never tries, one never fails, one never learns. This message might be a good thing.

February 8, 2007

GM and Computers

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics

(and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh! would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer

Error Messages that I can understand!

Since I started the cyber school I have watched less and less TV...I get all the entertainment and news I can handle via the internet.

February 7, 2007

Error Messages that I Understand

Interesting approach to making one feel powerless.

February 6, 2007

Email from my wife

Subject: FW: To my darling husband.

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am attaching a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

February 5, 2007

Error Messages that I Understand

I think I could program a machine to have this pop up once a day or so....hmmmmm

February 2, 2007

Error Messages That I Understand

On some days I would be willing to accept this message. Sleep, I need sleep.

February 1, 2007

Error Messages that I Understand

I will have to use this PEBKAC with a few Users that I know.

January 31, 2007

Error Messages That I Understand

I could use this one for my staff.

January 30, 2007

Error Messages that I Understand

Over the next couple of days I will display a series of images that are error messages that I can understand.

January 17, 2007

A little mind reading

To be a good cyber school administrator you have be able to read other the minds of others via the web.

Let the reading begin.... A little mind reading.

January 15, 2007

Thanks a bunch for the email.

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer and thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us; I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either!
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

December 19, 2006

Staff so busy...

I had to talk to one of my staff about their parenting skills...

Our belief is...

Family first
Faith second
Then cyber school.

The Saskatoon Catholic Cyber School is busy.

The staff is busy at this time of year but very dedicated as shown here in the employee of the month image.

December 14, 2006

God's Inbox

Time Magazine has a great sense of humor.

Evan Eisenberg God's Inbox

December 5, 2006

Explanation of God

THIS ONE IS FABULOUS!!!
It was written by an 8-year-old named Danny Dutton, who lives in Chula Vista, CA. He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment, to "explain God." I wonder if any of us could have done as well?
[ ... and he had such an assignment, in California, and someone published it, I guess miracles do happen ! .. ]

EXPLANATION OF GOD:
"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grownups, just babies I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers."

"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV becaus e of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off."

"God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have."

"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista . At least there aren't any who come to our church."

"Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K."

"His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important."

"You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time."

"You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God!

Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway."

"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids."

"But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases.

And...that's why I believe in God."

November 15, 2006

Life Imponderables

Life Imponderables FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
1.. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2.. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4.. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5.. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6.. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7.. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8.. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9.. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10.. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11.. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12.. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13.. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14.. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15.. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16.. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17.. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18.. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19.. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20.. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
21.. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
22.. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23.. Mind like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24.. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25.. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26.. Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
27.. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28.. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29.. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30.. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

November 13, 2006

For all the great moms

My wife sent me this...I don't get it?

For all the great moms (& moms-to-be) I know . . .& all the dads that say "what did you do all day?"

CHILD ACTIVATED ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER - you can have it!
Recently, I was diagnosed with C. A. A. D. D. - Child Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to do the laundry. As I start toward the basement, I notice that there are cheerios all over the floor and my car keys are in the cereal bowl. I decide to pick up the cheerios before I do the laundry. I lay my car keys down on the counter, put the cheerios in the trash can under the counter, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to take out the trash. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left, my extra checks are in my desk in the office/playroom, so I go to my desk where I find a sippy cup full of juice. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I decide I should put the sippy cup in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the sippy cup a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye --they need to be watered. I set the sippy cup on the counter, and I discover baby wipes that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I Better put them back in the bathroom, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the wipes back down, fill a container with water and suddenly i spot the TV remote, one of the kids left it on the kitchen table. I realize that after school when they go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote as they fight over who lost it, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on
the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down, get some paper towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the laundry isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm cup of juice sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find the wipes, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming.

Warning

ATTENTION

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.

September 11, 2006

Student's Excuse Letters

As a teacher you get numerous letters explaining the children's absence from school.
Here are some examples:

Irving was absent this morning because he misssed his bust.

Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on January 28,29,39,31,32 and also 33.

Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

I had to keep Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I didn't know what size she wears.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Mary could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

Escuse Gloria. She had been under the doctor.

My son is under the doctor's care and should not take Physical Ed. Please execute him.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. he was hurt in the growing part.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Joyce from Phy. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

Please excuse Jay Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.

Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and aches all over, I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be a flu going around school, her father even got his last night.

Please Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahra-dyrea-direche- the shits.

Brian was absent yesterday because of a sore trout.

Please excuse Wayne for being out yesterday, because he had the feul.

Please excuse Sarah for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

If you have any you would like to add to the list sent them.

August 30, 2006

One Girl's Opinion of School (funny)

This made me laugh out loud it is 2.85 MB long but worth the download.

I am not promoting this concept but it is funny.

One girl's opinion of School

Remember this MP3 is just a joke, so relax...it is just a joke. Don't send me a pile of comments about how it is unbelievable that I would include this...laugh once in a while.

August 27, 2006

What I did this last weekend before school starts.

Ok...I might be stretching the truth a little.

June 26, 2006

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

My son is two, I can relate. Between my wife and I, we have four post secondary degrees and this two year old has a definite talent for making one feel stupid. Parenting is far from logical. And our son is an angel, or so I am told by his grandparents not like I was when I was young.

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! "

God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you? " said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it! " Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

May 3, 2006

BBQ Season

After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to spring and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking ritual as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine:

1. The woman buys the food.*

2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine:

5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine:

8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.*

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10. Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

April 28, 2006

A Play on Words

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you,but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says:"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to
Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
"I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"

16. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little which made him rather frail and, with his odd
diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him..(Oh, man, this
is so bad, it's good).. a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.

17. And finally, there was the person who sent seventeen different
puns to his friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns
would make them laugh.No pun in ten did.

Living in 2006

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends you know you want to! you know you are living in 2006

April 25, 2006

Virus Warnings...

This gave me a chuckle.

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOSH'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

*** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone

April 13, 2006

This was sent to me by one of the teachers.

And I understand.

The Lost Dr. Seuss Poem

I Love My Job!

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work amoung my peers, I love their leers and jeers, and sneers.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care. I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away !!!!

April 10, 2006

A VISITORS GUIDE TO SASKATOON

1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name.
It is Sask-a-tune not Stoon and it does not matter
how people pronounce it in other places.

2. Saskatoon has its own version of traffic rules. Never forget that downtown Saskatoon is composed in large part of 3 or 4 block streets. The only way to get out of the center of town is to turn around and start over when you reach the river.

3. All directions start with, "Go down Circle Drive..."

4. Circle Drive has no beginning and no end.

5. The 8:00 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you cannot be from Saskatoon.

7. Idylwyld can only be pronounced by a native Saskatonian, so do not attempt the phonetic pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you blankly.

8. Bingo, Bugs and Baseball are a way of life. Deal with it.

9. Construction on Saskatoon streets in summer is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.

10. Many bizarre sights can be explained simply by uttering the phrase, "Ohhhh, we're in Sutherland!!"

11. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

12. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it was probably left on at the factory where the car was made.

13. Buying a Saskatoon street map is a waste of money since the termination or continuation of any street is entirely at the discretion of the Works Department of the City.

14. Asking directions will help you get acquainted with the numerous recent residents. It will not be any help at all for finding the address you seek.

15. Never honk your horn at another car in traffic. The bumper sticker that reads,"Keep honking, I'm reloading." is considered a fair warning.

16. Exit and entry ramps on Circle Drive are just the recommended way of entering and exiting, feel free to exit at any grassy point you wish.

Hope you find this funny...sorry if it insulted anyone.

April 3, 2006

Bad English

* Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine
* A backward poet writes inverse
* A mans home is his castle, in a manor of speaking
* Dijon vu - the same mustard as before
* Practice safe eating - always use condiments
* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death
* A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy
* A hangover is the wrath of grapes
* Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* Reading while sunbathing makes you well red
* When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I
* A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
* In democracy your vote counts; in feudalism your count votes
* She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off
* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
* If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress
* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds
* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered
* You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it
* Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under
* He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key
* Every calendar's days are numbered
* A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine
* A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat
* He had a photographic memory that was never developed
* A plateau is a high form of flattery
* A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end
* Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses
* Acupuncture is a jab well done

February 20, 2006

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity .

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."*

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."*

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.*

11 Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.....

Send someone to this blog entry To Make Them Smile.
It's called "therapy"...

February 2, 2006

Darren Math Test...

I never was good at math, but maybe they should have made the question clearer.

What is a quarter horse?

It made me laugh...

January 16, 2006

God and Voice Mail

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

--> For English press 1
--> For Spanish press 2
--> For French press 3
--> For all other languages, press 4

Please select one of the following options:

--> Press 1 for requests
--> Press 2 for thanks - giving
--> Press 3 for complaints
--> Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
--> God, press 1
--> Jesus, press 2
--> Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please
wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and
call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your
local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

January 11, 2006

The Price of Children

I have repeatedly seen the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have ever seen the rewards listed this way.

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle-income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down.
It translates into:

* $8,896.66 a year,
* $741.38 a month, or
* $171.08 a week.
* That's a mere $24.24 a day!
* Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite.
What do you get for your $160,140?

* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of God every day.
* Giggles under the covers every night.
* More love than your heart can hold.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
* A hand to hold- usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
* A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to:

* finger-paint,
* carve pumpkins,
* play hide-and-seek,
* catch lightning bugs, and
* never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to:

* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
* watching Saturday morning cartoons,
* going to Disney movies, and
* wishing on stars.

You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.

You get to be a hero just for:
* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
* taking the training wheels off a bike,
* removing a splinter,
* filling a wading pool,
* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs,
* and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat to history to witness the
* first step,
* first word,
* first bra,
* first date, and
* first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, So . . one day they will like you, love without counting the cost.

That is quite a deal for the price!!!!!!! Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren!!!!!!!

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "WOW, what a ride!!!!"

January 9, 2006

Are computers male or female?

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender, because:-

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine, because:-

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2 . They have a lot of data, but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

December 21, 2005

Enjoy the Christmas Cookies

Greek Ouzo Christmas Cake - Excellent Recipe

Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 tsp.. baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp.. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
2 tbl sp Lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
1 bottle Ouzo
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the Ouzo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Ouzo again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point its best to make sure the Ouzo is still OK.
Try another cup... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Ouzo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain the nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or some-thing.
Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl on the floor, and OPA!!! Break the bowl.
Finish the Ouzo and wipe counter with the cat.

December 20, 2005

Jeff Foxworthy on Saskatchewan:

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food
will swim by, you may live in Saskatchewan.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out
of the year, you may live in Saskatchewan.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the
middle of his forehead, you may live in Saskatchewan.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you
may live in Saskatchewan.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with
someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Saskatchewan.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Saskatchewanian when:

1. "Vacation" means going South past Regina for the
weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than
once
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and
then back again.
5. You can drive 110 kph through 2 feet of snow during a
raging blizzard, without flinching
6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit.
7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filledwith snow.
8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still
winter and road construction.
9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer
next to your blue spruce.
10. Down South to you means Regina ...
11. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
14. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward
them to all your Saskatchewan friends

December 19, 2005

Translation Guide for Students

For those of you fending off whining Oy vey undergrads (i.e., nearly every soul teaching this semester) here is a translation manual to help your students understand how you interpret their requests.

I’m sure that anyone who has taught for more than a single semester can add dozens of items to this list.

Taken from Inside Higher Education

Translation Guide for Students

When a student says: Will that be on the test?
The professor hears: I could care less about learning. Grades are my sole concern.

When a student says: I missed the exam because I had to go to my grandmother’s funeral.
The professor hears: I was too busy partying to study, so at the last minute I panicked and skipped the test.

When the student says: I have to miss class next week. What will be covered?
The professor hears: It’s easier to ask teachers for special treatment than to read the syllabus.

When a student says: May I have an extension?
The professor hears: That ridiculous class rule that late papers get reduced grades shouldn’t apply to me. After all, I’m the center of the solar system.

When the student says: I was sick last week. Did we cover anything important?
The professor hears: When I skipped class last week, did you cover anything I need to know for the final? It’s too much trouble to ask my nerdy classmates, and my friends don’t pay attention.

When the student says: Can I still get a B?
The professor hears: I just realized that not doing any work all semester and getting a C minus on the mid-term paper might mean a low grade.

When the student says: What are your office hours?
The professor hears: I haven’t even bothered to read your syllabus but I still want you to spoon feed me private tips that will get me a higher grade.

When a student says: There are personal reasons I haven’t been doing well in your class this semester.
The professor hears: Maybe if I concoct a dramatic sob story for this dupe, I’ll get special treatment.

When a student says: Can I do something for extra credit?
The professor hears: Even though I haven’t cracked a book all semester I still deserve special dispensation and extra effort from my professors.

When a student says: I can’t take the final exam when it is scheduled. Could I take it in January?
The professor hears: I talked my parents into leaving early for our ski trip to Aspen, and if I postpone the test until after the break, my friends will tell me what to study.

When a student says: Plagiarism? But I promise that I hadn’t even seen the Web site when I wrote my paper. It’s a totally random coincidence. I promise.
The professor hears: Busted! And I can’t believe that this dinosaur knows how to do a Google search.

When a student says: Cheat? Me? But I swear I didn’t do it. You’re not going to give me a zero are you?
The professor hears: Even when I’m busted, normal punishments should be rescinded because I’m the center of the universe. Better try to lie my way out of this one.

When a student is unable to talk because of choking back tears....
The professor thinks: Damnation. Gotta make another call to Counseling and Psychological Services. Hope the meds kick in quickly.

December 16, 2005

15 Things It Took Me Over 40 Years To Learn

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential. That word would be, "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby", and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career, with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant, unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person.

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. (See Item #2 "Meetings")

November 23, 2005

The Last Photo I Ever Took!

This made me laugh so I thought I would share.

Last Photo

September 21, 2005

Why does...

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

So what's the speed of dark?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

Why do people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older ... they were cramming for their finals!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?

Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?

Why does Wendy's have square hamburgers?

Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?

Why does the word "Filipino" start with the letter F ?

Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?

September 2, 2005

And expect me not to pray?

There is no better thought to start a school year.

21st CENTURY TEACHER APPLICANT

Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only that, I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, observe for signs of abuse and T-shirt messages.

I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem. I'm to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention.

I'm required by my contract to be working on my own time summer and evenings at my own expense toward advance certification and a master's degree; and after school, I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my employment status.

I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. I am to pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics, and to my current administration. I am to incorporate technology into the learning, and monitor all Web sites while providing a personal relationship with each student. I am to decide who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit crimes in school or who is possibly being abused, and I can be sent to jail for not mentioning these suspicions.

I am to make sure all students pass the province and federally mandated testing and all classes, whether or not they attend school on a regular basis or complete any of the work assigned. Plus, I am expected to make sure that all of the students with handicaps are guaranteed a free and equal education, regardless of their mental or physical handicap.

I am to communicate frequently with each student's parent by letter, phone, newsletter and grade card. I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a 45 minute more-or-less plan time and a big smile, all on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many provinces. Is that all?

And you want me to do all of this and expect me NOT TO PRAY?

August 25, 2005

It is called therapy

It is the start of a new school year and here are "20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY."

1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT HAIR DRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN.

2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM. DON'T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.

3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT FRIES WITH THAT.

4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL IT "IN."

5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS. ONCE EVERYONE HAS GOTTEN OVER THEIR CAFFEINE ADDICTIONS, SWITCH TO ESPRESSO.

6. IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL YOUR CHECKS, WRITE "FOR SMUGGLING DIAMONDS"

7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES W ITH "IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY."

8. DON'T USE ANY PUNCTUATION

9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK.

10. ORDER A DIET WATER WHENEVER YOU GO OUT TO EAT WITH A SERIOUS FACE.

11. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS "TO GO."

12. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA.

13. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON'T RHYME

14. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA AND PLAY TROPICAL SOUNDS ALL DAY.

15. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD.

16. HAVE YOUR CO-WORKERS ADDRESS YOU BY YOUR WRESTLING NAME, ROCK BOTTOM.

17. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT THE ATM, SCREAM "I WON!, I WON!"

18. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT, YELLING "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!!"

19. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER. "DUE TO THE ECONOMY, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO."

20. AND THE FINAL WAY TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY.......

SEND THIS TO SOMEONE TO MAKE THEM SMILE.

ITS CALLED THERAPY.

June 27, 2005

Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk

By Unkown

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved
about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You
probably got here just in time!

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to
relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory
toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn, why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured
out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken . . ."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot . . ."

And the number one best thing to say if you get caught sleeping
at your desk . . .

1. . . . in Jesus' name. Amen."

Rules for the boss

Little Sarcastic Rules for the Boss:

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

14. Delay my raise 2 months and then make it retroactive to make it look like I got more than I really did.

June 16, 2005

Thought for the Day

Thanks to one of my office staff for this one...I will be keeping off the stairs today.

Some people are like Slinkies...
Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

I like this one as well...

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either."

May 28, 2005

Chain Letters

I liked this so, I re-wrote it with less swear words...but you get the idea.

Hello, my name is, well, enough said, and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we?

"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get to date a model I will just happen to run into the next day!" What a bunch of bull.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and attack me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.

Don't make people angry by making them feel guilty about a leper on the other side of the world with no teeth who has been tied to the back of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know.

Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will
attack you.

Have a nice day.

P.S. Send me 30 bucks so I can buy a bottle of rum, or I'll come over there and beat you up!

See, now that is a chain letter.

May 18, 2005

Raising Boys

Having my first child who is 18 months old makes this of interest to me.

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

May 1, 2005

A teacher's prayer

Prayer :
It's a must for all teacher's, to help them keep their sense of humor through the day.]

Dear God,
So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't even criticized or moaned. I haven't been snappy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent and I'm thankful for that.

But in a few minutes Lord, I'm going to get out of bed and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen.

Words of Wisdom

Don't you love the honest of children...

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer!
Michael, age 14

Never try to baptize a cat!
Eileen, age 8

Stay away from prunes!
Randy, age 9

Felt markers do not make good lipstick.
Lauren, age 9

Puppies sill have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
Andrew, age 9

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time!
Kyoyo, age 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk!
Armir, age 9

If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse!
Naomi, age 15

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, age 10

Never flush the toilet when Mom's taking a shower.
Hailey, age 7

April 19, 2005

Smack the Penguin

Sorry to all the people out there who feel it is not right for a Yeti to smack a Penquin. I know I wasted about 1/2 hr smacking and felt better afterwards. A great stress relief for the smacker. My record was 323.4.

Smack the Penquin

April 11, 2005

The Importance of Excercise

As I sit at my desk all day punching away at the keys, I found this email a giggle. What better way to start a monday then with a laugh.

Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could print this out run this over to your friends but why not just
e-mail the address of the blog to them!

Hope it made you giggle.

January 9, 2005

Signature quotes

I always like the people who have a funny quote attached to their signature on their emails. It works if the person changes them once in a while. The person who always has the same one, even if it is funny, it gets old fast.

So this is for you... a list of new signature quotes for people's email.

Feel free to add to the list in the comment area, try to keep them clean.

Here is the one I used for a few months, until I sent an email to my wife, then I was forced to change it.

"If a married man standing in the forest without his wife makes a statement...is he still wrong."

Anyways here is the list:

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
50 percent of people are below average.
Frogs have it easy. They can eat what bugs them.
It's amazing what a man can accomplish when he's not worried about who will get the credit.
Faith is believing in something common sense tells us not to.
Minds, like parachutes, function best when open.
"Economics is an entire scientific discipline of not knowing what you're talking about."
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
Opportunity is missed by most people, because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
Before you open your mouth to speak, please make sure it's an improvement upon the silence.
You can't scare me. I drive a school bus!
Take interest in your future. It's where you're going to spend the rest of your life.
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
--Will Rogers
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.
Sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield.
Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it!
Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Deja Vu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

School - Siglets.com - Signature Files for your E-mail

From now on my Cyber Glass should be viewing a new signature quote on all our email.

December 30, 2004

Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

December 14, 2004

Evolution of Man

And so we mere mortals evolve...

Click on image to enlarge.

November 19, 2004

So, these are our students

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad...."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

"The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."er mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown.
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!
"Everything that happens happens as it should, and if you observe carefully you will find this to be so".

Marcus Aurelius

November 3, 2004

Wife 1.0 Tech Help

Subject: Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Fishing 7.5 and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks, A Troubled User.

Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything.

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.

I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear 6.0' to alleviate application conflicts.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE, because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but tends to be very high maintenance. Improper use will cause the system to launch Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, purchase additional software -- Flowers 2.1, Chocolates 3.2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Best of luck, Tech Support."

My married cyber glasses see things this way.

October 22, 2004

Read this and smile

Some times computer people take themselves too serious.

A couple of definitions to help lighten the mood.

MODEM - what ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
SCREEN - helps keep the skeeters off the porch
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
INTERNET - where the cafeteria workers put their hair

Smiling behind my cyber glasses.

October 5, 2004

Abbott and Costello and Computers

Those of us old enough to remember Abbott and Costello or have ever seen their "Who's on First" routine should appreciate this.

Costello wants to buy a Computer from Abbott.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(LATER)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
ABBOTT: Click on "START".......... Evy***********

May 5, 2004

Bad quotes from famous people

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,
1949

Bad Quotes from Famous People

May 3, 2004

People under 30 are wimps

People over 35 should be dead.

Here's why ...

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's,50's, 60's, or even maybethe early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was
always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop
with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because
we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one
bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps
and then rode down the hill,only to find out we forgot
the brakes.

After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to
solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day,
as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

NO CELL PHONES!!!!!

Unthinkable!

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

We had friends!

We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and
teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

They were accidents.

No one was to blame but us.

Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.

Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.

Horrors!

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own.

Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law.

Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers
and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them!

Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow
up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our
lives, for our own good !!!!!

People under 30 are WIMPS !

February 26, 2004

The Death of Common Sense

OBITUARY

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realized that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still know him pass this on, if not join the majority and do nothing.

February 6, 2004

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100 of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand ! and " lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Ouch!!!)

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. (How many are correct?)

There are more chickens than people in the world. (call the Colonel)

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

......Now you know everything!

These would be great added to a course as a daily tip or quote.

January 15, 2004

English - such an easy language.

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English
lovers.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of
odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which
you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

November 27, 2003

Joke for the day

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city.The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur.

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this monk who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge them $100,000 a year for 20 years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

Dear Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Dear Mike, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. But thank you for the gesture just the same.

Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes ... and the driver you hired is a big jerk. But the thought was good. Thanks.

Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

November 3, 2003

Jesus and Satan and Computers

For those of us involved in Catholic Education and Computers will find this joke kinda cute.

Jesus and Satan were having an argument about who was better at using the computer. They had been going at it for days and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job."

So, Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboard and typed away.

They moused.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent e-mail.

They sent e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did some genealogy reports.

They made cards.

They did every known job.

But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?!

(You'll love the punch line...)

God just shrugged his shoulders and said:
JESUS SAVES.

October 29, 2003

Computer and Cars

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the
way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

August 30, 2003

Spell Checkers

Students still need to know how to spell...spell checkers are good but not flawless.

Owed to the Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
Eye am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

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